Friday, June 24, 2011

Wedding Gifts

This is so well stated and reflects my thoughts quite well so I am reposting.  All credits are due to Robert Fulgham, my current favorite author.

It’s June and wedding time.
Weddings seldom match the realities of marriage.
Wedding presents usually don’t either.
Fine china, fragile crystal, and expensive silver are mostly useless.
And the high-tech kitchen gadgets don’t really work well or long.
If you get sucked into the bridal registry scam and go to the retail stores where the bride has picked her stuff, your reaction will likely be:
What is she thinking?
The groom doesn’t get to have a registry open at a hardware store, but a good set of basic household tools would make sense.
As a public service I propose a more practical and useful wedding gift package for the bride and groom. Things that will come in handy in times of need. Their parents have these things. But while a couple may acquire them over time, they will not have them handy the first time they need them.
These items will not be on the bridal registry.
And it may take awhile for the happy couple to fully appreciate the gifts.
But they will.
Note that each item on the list has both practical and symbolic value:
1. A bulk stack of all-purpose brown bath towels - not for the bathroom - but to mop up unexpected appearances of flowing water in your house.
There will be leaks - under sinks, around refrigerators and toilets and tubs, and around small children. You don’t want to use the good stuff you got for your wedding.
And there will be leaks in all your good intentions expressed at the wedding..
2. A high quality toilet plunger. Stoppages will occur. A coat hanger or a broom handle won’t help. First the plunger, then the brown towels.
Shit happens. Don’t ignore it. Deal with it.
3. A roll of duct tape. Things that should hold together will come apart. And if you use it right, what is fixed with duct tape will last so long and serve so well you won’t bother to get restorative repair or buy a new whatnot.
What works, works.
4. A 6-pack of tubes of Super Glue. Things break. And can be mended.
Like hearts.
5. A big bottle of Tabasco Sauce and a big bottle of Tums - solutions for any meal gone wrong. You can eat it and survive.
Mistakes are part of the learning curve.
6. A Whoopee Cushion - not to put under the seat of whoever gets angry over small stuff, but to put under your own butt and sit down on - hard.
Anger is hard to sustain in the face of a good, loud fart.
Laughter is the one tool essential to living well with another person.
7. A Swiss Army knife - a big one - to fix any small mechanical problem. Along with an ice pick, some clothes pins, and a hammer.
Most vexing annoyances can be addressed with the simplest tools, determination, and imagination.
8. A box of mixed band aids - you’ll never have them when you need them, though duct tape and Super Glue will also work. But only for guys.
There will be wounds. Bind them. Kiss them and make it well.
9. A serious flashlight. Unexpected darkness will happen.
The light of goodwill shined in the right places will scare away demons.
10. A bag of jelly beans, Hershey’s chocolate kisses, and a bottle of good wine, and a red rubber nose.
Foolish gestures of affection can fix what practical tools cannot.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it is my opinion that you can run a marriage without an electric fondue pot with a remote control and built-in music program.
But not without a toilet plunger.
The bride and groom will need and use this package of gifts, and bless your name when the occasion arises.
Weddings are fantasy-land.
Marriage is the real world.
Get real.